The Answer to the Question

"Will You Leave Me?"

by Rachael P.

July, 2001

The biggest question is - and maybe always has been - "Are you going to leave me?" It echoes in the vacancy of my soul and reverberates through the hallways of every experience, old or new, until it finally drives me to leave. I, the abandoned, become the abandoning one. On my own again... but at peace. Or is it?

After I "leave" I think about how that question, "Will you leave me?", has sabotaged every relationship I have ever had.

Until I have done everything I know to drive a relationship to its end - to test it- then I am ALWAYS right.

Everyone leaves.

I know this because I have the ability to be awful enough to make you leave. I don't want you to... but if you start telling me you won't go anywhere... Boy, oh boy am I going to make you prove it. But you can't prove it. No one passes the test. No one. Not you.

Not even God.

He gave me a WILL (doggone it), and it's stronger than anyone's "love". I don't know how I became so powerful but I must have. And I hate it.

What I want is for everyone to say, "Fight me all you want. Kick and scream, cry and run. Hide. Hurl insults. When you go too far... I'll stop you. I won't let your own will destroy you. If you run away... I'll come looking. I won't let you go."

Suddenly it occurs to me that God wants me to love Him... for Him. Real love. Not "pretend love" just for the promise of eternity. Asking Jesus into my heart was my ticket out of hell... but I didn't say I loved Him. I knew I should be grateful -- but its hard to love when you are trying all the time to answer THE QUESTION. Trying to figure out what will make Him leave? And when? What can I do to anticipate it? How can I change my behavior, my life, my personality?

The goal wasn't to KNOW Jesus. Certainly not to LOVE Him. That was there, but ultimately I wanted to know His AGENDA. Where would He be five years from now? What will He do with me when I am too much. Can He keep me from leaving? Can I learn to surrender (my will) when I can't even learn to trust? These are hard things.

And daily I learn that is not about me at all. It is about His grace and His grace is sufficient.

Sufficient for THE QUESTION.

Sufficient for my WILL

Sufficient for my level of TRUST.

Sufficient for my WANDERINGS.

Sufficient for my inability to LOVE.

Sufficient for yesterday, today and tomorrow.