by Marion Entz Harris

Bonding, marriage, arranged marriages, kissed on head tenderly, dreams.....

I have grown up without strong bonds

people come and people go

as far as I know, they have

dropped off the face of the earth

gone

dead

I have no clue.

I have grown up without strong bonds

it does not matter to work things out

they just leave

go to another station

go on furlough

don't talk to each other

gone

dead

I have no clue

I have grown up without strong bonds

not a big deal to be put somewhere

for 3 months at a time

to fend for myself

grow still and silent

because I am to obey my elders

or else--but still I am

gone

dead

I have no clue

I have grown up without strong bonds

we could be with whom we wanted

on the holidays

no having to be with relatives

just cuz' it was custom

as far as I knew, my relatives were

gone

dead

I have no clue

I have grown up without strong bonds

I have no threads of continued relationships

throughout my life

the threads are broken

hanging

knotted

discontinued

gone

lifeless

I have no clue

I have grown up without strong bonds

am I supposed to have continued threads

with the people in my life now?

how does that work?

are they going to be there tomorrow?

will I be here tomorrow?

I did not know there was a tomorrow

tomorrows are

gone

dead

I have no clue

I have grown up without strong bonds

it hurts

it hurt then....and they punished me for hurting

in ways like me

I even left myself

gone

dead

I have no clue

I have grown up without strong bonds

it hurts

it hurts now.....it hurts to feel the pain of

the broken threads

it hurts to have left myself

it hurts for the most important bonds

to have been severely disrupted

broken

repeatedly

it hurts now....and I feel it all over again

I am not gone

I am not dead

I have a clue

and it hurts beyond words.

I was gone

I was dead

I had no clue

my bonds were shattered,

and so was my heart.