by Marion Entz Harris

marriage.....well, so some call it...or thot it was...but it is a hallucination when one is still 'little'--

this thing called marriage

it feels more like an arranged marriage

i did not chose this

somebody else did!

how am i supposed to make it work

i can't, but people tell me it is

wrong to not be married

when you have married a person

but it is not a marriage

i tell you!

this thing called marriage

it is not a 'marriage' as most people think

it is something different

there was a ceremony

there were the 'vows'

there were the people

there was the reception

to say nothing of a 'honeymoon'

but it is not a marriage

i tell you!

this thing called marriage

well, some call it that--

but it is different.

you would not marry a 5 year old

to a man, would you?

you would not marry a 15 year old

to a man, would you?

but wait!! in my culture they did!!

but that is not a marriage

i tell you!

it is something else

that has no name

--just yet.

what is it called in "Daddy Long-legs"

when the man pays for the little girl

to be in school--they called him a

benefactor

what is it called in 'My Fair Lady"

when the man trains the woman from 'the sticks'

to speak like a genteel woman--they called him a

trainer

what is it called in 'Pretty Woman"

when Richard Greer takes the girl from the streets

to polish and refine her--they called him a

coach

In the process of 'growing up' (exempt the sexual part of Pretty Woman),

it was not a marriage with the 'little girl'

it was not a 'romance' with the 'little girl'

it was not sexual with the 'little girl'

it was not a marriage--the 'marriages' happened when the 'little girl' '

had grown into a 'young lady'.

SO..

what is it called in 'marion's life'

when david joel joins the girl with shattered soul

to have as a wife--they call him a

husband

yet....marriages aren't meant to happen with 'little girls'.

what is this then?

david joel is not 'little' marion's benefactor--or is he in some ways?

david joel is not 'little' marion's trainer--yet, he opens her world to

music, craftsmenship, refined tastes

david joel is not 'little' marion's cultural trainer--yet, he teaches her

the american slang of junior high boys

yet....most people call this a 'marriage'

but marriages do not happen to 'little girls'

I am distressed!

How am I supposed to 'do this'?

How am I supposed to be 'married' when I am 'little' inside?

I can't!! I just can't.

I need another word for it....I don't know what it is.

I am a 'little girl'

Little girls don't do marriage.

LIttle girls need 'dads' to help them grow--

and they might have boyfriends...

but I don't have 'dads' to help me grow--

and what if I 'quit' my boyfriend?

This thing called marriage--

this term is 'outdated' for me...it does not work like most people

think in the traditional sense.

I have an untraditional marriage.....

I am untraditional.....I have some 'little parts' to me

I am playing 'catch-up' while I am married....

It is a very, very difficult spot to be in.....

It is like being a little girl supposed to take care

of the family, but she is too little for the responsibility.

It is like being a little girl who makes really good pancakes and

made to cook for a restaurant, but she is too little for the

responsibility.

It is like being a baby donkey made to haul a heavy load of wood,

who stumbles repeatedly under the burden that is too big for it.

It hurts.

It hurts to be bumping around,

stumbling,

struggling to get up

only

to fall down again....just like the baby donkey.

It is exhausting

to work at recovering

and at the same time

struggle so much in a relationship.

It feels like wearing a classy black formal

while riding a tricycle in hot pants

over the formal

at the very same time.....very tricky indeed!

It feels like the photography where one

can see the soccer player kicking

but he is in the soccer ball.

It feels like a knife cutting through thin air.

It feels like lights shining in fog.....the air is still

there, and so are the lights.

Very diametrically opposed things together.........what is

that called?

That is how it feels inside....only, I can't make it

go away.

It is like recovering from heart/back/major surgery,

needing to rest and recover

yet being required to jump, run, skip, throw, lift

as if surgery had never happened--and david joel and I

have learned that I can't do lots....yet,

the difference is that the 'surgery' is in my soul--

people can't see it

it is not easily understood

it is not something to physically touch

My friends tell me how lucky I am

that I am married

that I have this resource.

It really hurts.

It hurts to be 'little' and 'married'.

It just plain hurts.

It was never meant to be this way

for either David Joel

or me. Marriage was not meant

to be for little ones. Little ones do not

get married.

So what is this thing called 'marriage' for those of us with

lights shining in the fog,

kicks in soccer balls,

classy dresses tucked into hot pants?

How can I revamp this thing called 'marriage'

so it works for me?

How do I learn to work with the lights in the fog?

How do I ride my tricycle with my dress and hot pants--when

I 'must' have my hot pants on the outside?

Is David willing to work to make it work for me?

Can we create what will work for us both?

A relationship that hurts....that is what it is.

And I need some 'dad-like' people in my life

to help me grow....so I can marry if I wish.

this thing called marriage

I am married,

but then again,

i am not.

i need a 'dress size' that works for me--

cuz' something right now is not

working so well....the classy, black formal

keeps getting caught in the

spokes and does not fit well

in my bright, pink hot pants.

The fog is so thick,

I can't see where I am going.

The ball I am in makes it hard

to keep kicking straight.

I don't have the

best dress size for me....being both 'little'

and 'married'.

incompatible..but true...with a sneeky suspicion

that it is workable....if david joel is up for it

and if i can get unstuck

from the fears that

keep me stuck in having to be 'married'

traditionally...

suppose God is my Father--

what sort of vows

would he suggest?

this thing called 'marriage'--

what works for me where I am right now

in my healing journey?

ironically, that is what is best

for both David Joel and M/marion.

this thing called 'marriage'--

does not work for any of M/marion

as it does for others...nope! it is

definetly NOT a 'marriage' for her.

And HARK!

Mystery of all M/mysteries!

It really is an 'arranged M/marriage'--

arranged for what fits any of M/marion

and David Joel.....and the

'arranged' gets to be discovered....

In the meantime of discovery....it hurts to be both 'little' and

'married'....even if

david joel is 'nice' and even

kind to me, at times.

it hurts to be both 'little' and 'married' at the very same time.

my bonds were shattered,

and so was my heart.