Response to Sad Joy

by roses

January 8, 2002

sad joy,
the answer is in grieving whenever you feel it
it sucks but it works
i cried for years i mean literally years
frozen in tears it seemed all the time
but when you cry you give voice to that which you cannot change
you give an outlet for the unspeakable
and then...when you are ready do things for your baby
things that make sweet memories of her
i had only one beautiful image of my baby girl when she was first born before everything else happened
and i held on to that
it was the picture of her beautiful blue eyes
you may not have even that- i dont know
but what i do know is that God will give you the things that you need to heal
anytime i ask for a picture of her- he shows me and it begins to replace the ugliness with new lasting pictures of beauty
it works sad joy it does
now i cry at her birthday and some other times but not like i used to
and it doesnt hurt near as much when i do cry
cause Jesus has softened things for me
but it required being willing to grieve
sometimes crying for hours on end and day after day
crying at everything that i saw cause it all reminded me of the loss of her
looking at my own kids used to make me so angry because that only was a reminder of the daughter i lost
it robbed me of many years
but as i felt it
it got better
so sad joy- keep writing
do whatever you can do to create memories that will help you
i have bought things and made things and stuff and that all helps her be real in my life today
not as a nightmare anymore- but as a memory

my love and thoughts are with you sad joy- roses