A poem

by sad sad sad (Joy)

January 4, 2002

The first forgotten memory seethes and erupts;
a word; an event; a feeling; an image;
a full memory explodes into consciousness.
The second forgotten memory
strikes like a thunderbolt;
shatters my reality; deafens my ears.
The third forgotten memory quickly follows;
troops of forgotten memories
march into consciousness.
I stagger like a boxer pummeled
by savage blow, after savage blow.
I am confused and conflicted.
Who am I, when my remembered past is a lie?
Who am I, when my present is built on illusions?
Who am I, when my future is uncertain?
My forgotten memories are painful truth!
When will these murderous memories stop?
Oh God, my heart yearns to remember.
My mind searches to know who I am.
Oh God, You promised,
You shall know the truth,
and the truth shall set you free.
Oh God, I desire to be free...but I do not desire to remember.
I lay down...
my body jerks as if pierced by electric current...
a moan, a cry,
escapes un-summoned through my lips...
a face flashes in my minds eye...
a toddler appears and disappears...
a scene rushes by like a speeding train...
a star; a man; a star; a goats head...
silhouettes; images; shadows; ghosts;
fleeting in and out of memory...
without form or substance...
Oh, God, please stop this teasing torture.
Let me remember, or let me forget.
Memories seethe underground, filling me with fear.
Memories surface as stony islands, distant and alone.
My mind longs to know the truth!
What was my childhood really like?
What did I know about my siblings?
What did my siblings know about me?
What did we admit to ourselves;
to each other; to anyone?
What protected our souls
from demonic tortures?
I despair;
Is my childhood lost, never to be found?
Then I am lost never to be found.
Better lost,
Than to feel the pain and promise of memories
that germinate beneath the surface,
but never sprout into consciousness.
We have not as yet forgotten that, which we
know ourselves to have forgotten.
The sages sing with one serene voice:
The memories will come when you are ready;
when you are safe, strong, and able to see.
Oh, Jesus walk with me, and I can face the pain.
Take my hand today, and lead me through the valley.
I want to be well; a whole godly woman.
I want to honor you and the angels you sent me.
I want this now!
Oh Jesus, descend with me into my unconscious.
Raise me a true woman.
I want most of all Lord, to be your servant.
I want to listen, and follow you.
Your ways are far beyond my ways.
Your timing is not my timing.
Grant me always to remember,
and never forget this truth.
I am more than memory.
You are much more than I.
The Holy Spirit knows your mind and mine.
He brings to remembrance Your Word,
and my past, when I have need.