What Is Real?

by Tired

Trigger Warning

December 26, 2001

It's so hard to know the truth
of what really happened.
Denial and doubt are knocking
at my door once again.
But what if it's not just
a matter of denial?
What if my questioning
if the memories are real
and if what the others say is real
is really a good thing?
Because if it's all really not true,
then it's an awful thing to think
about people - to accuse them of.
And it's an awful thing to have
such horrible emotions
connected to something untrue.
There is no real proof of anything.
Just tons of memories
And lots of inside people saying
lots of horrible, disturbing things.
So how can I accept it's true?
With nothing concrete to back it up.
So sick of no answers,
of nothing concrete for proof.
Just bits of things to put together.
If most people knew
what was in my mind -
the images, the people involved -
they would think me evil
or lock me up
or sue me for slander.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I hate this so-called life.
I cannot take this endless
wondering and inside chaos and pain.
Maybe all of this is just an illusion
To pull me away from the "real" truth-
whatever that may be.
Or maybe I'm just sick and demented
And needing a reason to explain
the sickness that is me.