by shadow

seem no to exist to my children anymore  hurts hurts hurts they don't call or write   say it costs too much   i cry and it doesn't go away  what happened  i was always there for them, in some way   all their games and 4-h and school  always there  and because i chose to leave and stay alive, getaway to safety, after they were all grown now i am forgotten cause i could not stay would have tried to take my life again, and eventually would have done it  he didn't even try to help me the last time, just let me lay there unconscious for 2days   then called someone from church to let me know how stupid i was and how far from being healed i was. no one saw the hurt
no one cared
was i wrong to shelter them?
would they have loved me more if they had seen the depths of hurt? it just didn't feel like the motherly thing to do to inflict that pain on them
and now it is this holiday
and i am alone
and my best friend-spouse has to work EVERY DAY this weekend. and i am alone
alone
i dream about my children at night
and in the dream they are okay
and they still love me
and are with me
but when i wake up
i remember it is only a dream
and i cry again
and i am afraid i will sink too low again
and perhaps love will not be enough to keep me here in this world of pain
cause at moments, i feel the pain mountain
is so much bigger than the love one.....
and i just can't climb anymore
and i keep crying out to Jesus
why don't my children love me anymore?
why don't they call or write
or care?
cause i just can't stop caring
and it feels just like when the first two were taken from me and killed
it is tearing my heart up just the same
and sometimes I just sit and wish for some terrible disease or accident to take me so I can just leave this place of aloneness
but that would leave my angel alone
but somehow I feel so much hurt
that even that thought begins to fade a bit
and that really scares me
shadow alone