Some background: one of the first things that ran through my mind when I started getting memories was, "The personal is political." Three days after the first flashback I opened my mouth and I haven't shut it since. My process has always been simultaneously internal and external, public and private.

I know that I'm a little unusual that way. I figured that I had waited over fifty years to speak out, and enough was enough. I quickly learned that much of my healing takes place through public events, for I need others to challenge my deeply ingrained negative beliefs about myself.

I have said inappropriate things to inappropriate people and it hasn't been the end of the world. I've encountered a lot of rejection, of course, but I use peoples' responses as a sorting mechanism to decide who I want in my life and who I don't. I've met and become friends with a lot of quality people this way.

So no, I am not almost healed. And yes, I am still symptomatic, some days more than others. And that's okay with me.

Right now I am going through a difficult phase. I have met a group of alters who were previously unknown to me, and I am feeling their feelings, so to speak. This makes me spacier than usual, lethargic, slow moving - in a word, less functional. It's forced me to ask for more help both in everyday tasks and in keeping Survivorship running.

I'd like to ask for help from all of you right now. If you write and don't get an answer, write again. Be persistent. It will help me do what I really want to do and won't annoy me or make me feel guilty about not being at my best. You will get what you want sooner than if you didn't speak out and I will be grateful to you for supporting me by helping me keep track of things.

During the first years in healing, I was terrified of discovering alters because I feared they would be destructive and I wouldn't be able to handle them. (My fear is probably what kept them hidden so long.) Well, these folk aren't destructive; they are very wounded and depleted and I no longer fear them.

Another reason I am not afraid is that I have figured out that my programming is pretty obscure. I was an experiment and, for some reason or other, that style of programming was dropped. Too time consuming or tedious? The funds ran out? Personality conflicts between those running the experiment? Who knows!

This means, however, that I am unlikely to be triggered into action. There were only a few people who knew my cues, and by now they are all probably dead. This makes me feel very safe, although at times I'm discouraged because it means that I am the only person living with the information necessary to understand my system. Surely they had an instruction manual. Where is it now that I need it?

So here I am once again being public about my past and my process. I expect that telling you all will be reassuring both to "me" (whoever that is!) and to my newly discovered parts. I am no different, except that I have more internal connection and self-knowledge than I did a few weeks ago. Oh - and it takes me longer to remember what I was going to do and to do it.

Monthly Notes Volume 1, Number 11

Reprinted, with permission from

Survivorship

PMB 139

3181 Mission St

San Francisco CA 94110