The awareness of approaching cult holidays floats in and out of my awareness like that little piece of plastic. Even though I type the ritual calendar every month, I keep forgetting what's around the corner. I even manage to forget Halloween and Christmas, despite all the societal hoopla.

Remember, dissociate, remember, dissociate, dozens of times a day.

Many survivors, especially when they first remember the abuse, don't want to know about the holidays. They don't want to risk talking themselves into feeling rotten just because the calendar suggests it should be a bad day.

I've had friends who purposefully ignored the calendar and then called me in a panic, asking "Is it a cult holiday?" It usually was. This in itself was validation of their memories. I mean, it's not unusual to get upset at Christmas - but Groundhog Day???

Personally, I find it very helpful to know of the dates in advance. I can make plans to ride through the hours, avoid additional triggers if I choose, and arrange ways of soothing myself. I know there is a reason for my feelings and that it's not some weird brain abnormality. Best of all I know there will be an end to the anniversary reaction.

Maybe someday I'll get to a place where I'll consistently remember the date and the plans I have made. It would be great not to wake up in a sweat, heart pounding, with no idea of the source of my terror. It would be great to also remember that the evening before a holiday is even worse than the day itself, as that is when it was usually observed.

My therapist reminds me that I re-dissociate other things I have remembered, too. I'll look at her blankly when she refers to something I have told her, and then it will all come back in an instant. It appears that there are parts of me that know, and parts that still don't know. From what I can see among my friends, this condition is not all that unusual.

Monthly Notes Volume 2, No. 4

Reprinted, with permission from

Survivorship

PMB 139

3181 Mission St

San Francisco CA 94110